Thursday, 24th of December 2009

Merry Christmas,
Echo Music

My Lolita,
Charlotte


Close, it's too close.
Then it slipped away, when you broke in my defenses.
Charlotte with rosy-purplish skin,
naked under the candescent dawn, a misplaced of nature
-- she belonged in my wax museum.


Her life-size porcelain body went streaking down,
under the smiling surface of the twilight lake.
An unnatural suicide, became a contemplated crime.
I watched as she sinks, and felt like a dancer
locking the ballerina's foot, pulling her downwards
as I made that mad dive and paddled as fast as I could.
Instead, I sat there on the white sand, as they heat up,
and watched as she sinks. . .
Thinking, there Charlotte goes, along with treasures of me.
My heart in her body, somewhere in her head and her chest,
and the lake raped her the way I did.


My Charlotte, my lottelita, my graceful and wise girl-child,
along with my deeds and sins, went downwards into
the abyss -- unknown, unheard, and discontinued.


It's too shiny here, in the center, the shimmering center
of this Hourglass lake. It was supposed to be a routine of our
weekly naked swan swim. But this one day, Charlotte decided herself,
my girl with her silly principles, to fake a death so no one else would
ever find out, her dirty, tainted, throbbed existence.
I was dripped like ripples on this glassy surface, all gone and pulled apart
then vanished in a second; just so like my heart.


Again and again the rhythm continued, my Charlotte never resurfaced.
Along with my treasures and my love, a passion so shortlived.
My Charlotte sank like Titanic, and how I wish I were the one who sank.

Learning


Throughout the many phases of life, there has been the up and down sides. There were times when I think I fell pretty hard, and when I believed I flew pretty high. Most importantly, it so happened as though life was just an illusional stage, when life stood stationary, the mind progress. As I got older and wiser, through incalculable mistakes I've made, and the people; they moved on. I questioned myself once and once only, on a tolerable night in my sanctuary where realism and illusions bent on a same fine line but only then I remembered quite well not to try again; the harsh reality do not reconcile with me -- I had long buried my hearts in nirvana, under the street lamps on cobble stones which split the night, and most somewhere else behind my closed lids and sprouting dreams.

Academia is one of the disease I suffer in, one of the many reasons no one were able to tear entire me away for themselves. One of the many reasons why many had felt it was intolerable to be by my side. You call me tactless and insensitive, splatted on my frail soul that I have never been looking and hearing, that I stood myself in my own sunshine which explains the shadow I never seem to get out of -- Lolly, oh how she wither away as seasons springs. It's a psychological disorder which I fought against alone, and alone only. A race I enrolled myself with a death mission; an unwinding race against time.
I burn castles down and turned the streets into a pandemonium of smoke, falling bricks and running people, I ran along with the disaster -- living happily ever after. In that eternity which was just a thought in my head, and a longing remembrance of the smell of your hair, the sound of your voice -- it turned into the closest way to touching you. This fateful twines and binds which wraps itself around me like cell walls, you think I am free to step out of this installation but the truth is I am not. Truth is, the key to this imprisonment never existed as a physical object at all, and you, different from the above, and the formers, are a real existence after all. Oh, all the thoughts of you, from behind these barred window, and I only have words to play with.

From afar you might develop the curiosity and the interest in what I have been seeing, looking at, and I'd kindly lead you here. However, the one line which separates you and me, would be of our differences. I am me, and this is the world I've created. You are you, and this is not the world you've created. You know no pains of mine to be needed here.. As much as I want you, as much as I'd dream of you, as much as I'd love to catch that drop of tear forever, I can't lead you to this doom; this incurable, insufferable and loathsome disorder. It was throwing your life off balance and living solely on instincts and one man's dream, one reason and excuse to walk in sways and threatens to fall. One of the two reasons to taste adrenaline forever, and ever, till life stop.

You will be afraid to approach me, and I don't know why. Perhaps the challenge, because you never come to me.
With these chains, such chains, you see now, I can never come to you, never will, ever. I am my own lover, lolly on the dotted line, standing 5 feet 4 inches in one sock, Dolly in the slacks, dreaming of sorrow and screaming robots. In my solemn exasperation was to you silence of love. A lesson once more.

Kiss me goodbye
would you?

There was an empty hole in my chest. I long for you on my lips and in my arms only -- a soul, body and love dedicated only to me. The feelings burns like a forest of fire, the yearnings aches like a big part of me was torn off. Every waking moment, I could not start a day without picturing your loving face. Every single night, I could not sleep without loving you all over again.

If you are to leave right now, I will understand you. Before you walk away, kiss me goodbye. . .

Promises
why make break one?
why even make one?



When we were young, juvenile, and innocent, we were pretty much taught to understand the nature of promises. Promises which may not make any sense when it was made, promises which was made for much personal purposes, promises which was made to last a lifetime, or that moment which you very much wanted, or promises made when you promised something in return -- passing a test with flying colors.

If we were taught to understand the need to make a promise, how could it be we were not taught or warned for not making one? It's just like being taught to live but not to die, to walk and not to fly, to be honest and not to lie. I thought for once it was because my parents wanted me to be a good person, by not doing anything which would harm the others or anything which would make the people around me sad. Then, the funny thing was, I did my best to abide the rules, obey the instructions and follow the procedure -- I succeeded, but not for long. I gave up, gave in to the nature of being devastated and disappointed. When I was told that being nice would help me make a lot of friends, I believed in that. However, when I was leaving my primary school years, I realized how silly and stupid I was, and I left the school with no good friend made throughout the six years. Time flew, I did not even realize that.

Sophomore year of secondary school was not as tough as I imagined it to be. Strangers to strangers, and everything was new, foreign and creepy. I hated being in a new place without much preparation. That was when my mother once again promised me it would be better soon. Another promise, another weird thing to hear about because I was so over it. I wanted to build something on my very own without having to believe in what I was taught. Old mind on a young shoulder, it is not very surprising. You see those aging brain on kids these days and start wondering were you a late bloomer at the age of twelve?
Then, sophomore year passed with much smart playing, change of outlook, loss of curls and losing of weights, of course, with no promises making. Everything went pretty well, and I realized I was quite satisfied with myself. I made several good friends, and I've never knew how fun school can actually be.

I pretty much avoided the circumstances of having to make a single promise, I was quick in changing the subject, and avoiding that moment when someone really look you into the eye and gives you the feeling he's already staring because he's dead serious. The play good trick works at times like that, I would look around and find something to help in. Everything went really well and I was very happy. I didn't think I would actually be this good in avoiding and running away from such dreadful moment. Until. I got into serious troubles, trouble with a 's'. It was not really a stable year anymore, it became the delinquent year for me and my very good friends. That including solving of problems, and solving of problems when school is involved requires you to make a lot of promises, which totally sabotaged me. The plan broke apart ever since, and I became permanently disorientated, delirious and deranged. It was worst than Rihanna's Good girls gone bad. I wish I could tell you it was as simple as showing your cleavage and doing lap dances and flaunting your goodies, or look like an alien princess but unfortunately, it was not.

You may think it was not a big deal and technically speaking it shouldn't be. But maybe that applies to you, not me. However much I may pretend, to be a bad person which no ounce of humanity in me, the person you would never want to ask for anything in return, the person you can never expect something from, I was still a kind soul no matter how far I went. People don't believe that because it never came out of my mouth, like really. I have never ask a person to believe in me or trust in me.

Dear mommy, dear daddy, poor mommy, poor daddy, I understood how hard it was for them to acknowledge the fact that their divine teachings did not bring me very far in life, and perhaps it applies still, now. They are not very honest, nice and kind people themselves. Therefore, as much as I would feel tingling and ridiculously touched in my heart when kids babble in those cheery voice saying how much they love their parents because they are their role models -- I wish I could tell them I never had that, and that most adults love bluffing kids, without breaking their candy bar hearts.

Promising can be a great deal, and breaking it had always been very easy. Making a promise you knew was empty was actually kinder than making a promise you thought would work but ended up the opposite.
You may think that not having to make any promises to anyone and having people making promises to you makes it easier to live with, you better think twice. Either way, speaking from my own experiences, it sucks equally. I lived alongside my rules for so long therefore I had found it not very challenging. It would take me a lot of self-consolation, to get over with the disappointments, and I am confident that the nonchalance in me would just grow along the way, sooner than later I would be a new man again. You think that's cruel, you never knew how cruel other people can be to you. I called this practice a self-enriching grooming sessions. Just that, instead from the good side, I started from the bad side (not backside).

Yes, it started when I was young, juvenile and innocent. Too bad I did not enjoy being naive for a very long time. One year of nursery, two years of kindergarten and six years of primary school. Hopefully we don't get senile too soon.

Ps: It works for me doesn't naturally mean it would work for you.